Submitted by klondike bar (moses lake, WA) on 11.19.16
NO rumbling
NO gurgling
NO paining
NO warning
I was out in the back yard working. No neighbor has a view. The yard itself is every wife's nightmare of what the husband did to the yard. [there is even spilled paint on the ground and "lawn" is pratically non existant.
Suddenly my body says "I'm going to shit NOW!!!" I clamped my legs together so tight I caused muscle cramps up my back and down my legs. But hey; I didn't want to shit my pants, right?
So after a couple minutes of butt clamping the big pressure relieving gurgle happened and I uncrossed my legs with a huge sigh of relief. Now need to go let it out. So I clinch my butt cheeks together and start that funny duck walk for the toilet in the HOUSE. UmmHumm, some how I thought I shouldn't shit outside in the back yard. [Which, as I said before, is semi secluded.]
Now before I continue telling about the journey; I want to tell you about the $700 deep cleaning job a cleaning crew did from ceiling to carpets. They did a beautiful job. our house smelled wonderful. They finished up about two days prior. Yep I duck waddled through that kitchen door...WARNING the following dialog is cringe worthy... It was that single step up into the kitchen that weakened the muscle clinch. As I rounded the kitchen table the first squirt happened. It was like the underpants didn't exist. I heard the shit squirt fly out from under my kilt and hit the kitchen floor. For some stupid reason I decided to waddle down the CARPETED hallway to the toilet 20 feet away...squirt blat...squirt blat...squirt blat...all the way to the toilet. And ofcourse as I flipped my kilt up and bent forward to pull the underpants down and sit the shit blowout happened and destroyed the entire commode. For the next half hour as I was cleaning the mess up I kept asking myself... WHY didn't you just shit right where you were and just wash it away with the garden hose???
Vote:Yeah! You Shit the *Shit* out of yourself! 281 Not So Much 239
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