Submitted by Paul (The Burg, Some State) on 09.07.16
Im a school bus driver. First route in the afternoon is a high school route, followed by an emenrary route. Just as we finished loading up to leave, I knew there was trouble...would it be possible to run in the school real quick? It would have been really awkward, but looking back, maybe I should have tried...
Let me back up just a bit, here. Two days ago I drank about 4.5 Sierra Nevadas on a beautiful, sunny afternoon. I rarely drink, but Im perfectly aware of the beer shits that await a day later. However, despite some rumbling, they never manifested (not that I didnt try!) I knew the trouble maker was in there somewhere and would make his appearence eventually...
My afternoon high school route is only about 20-25 minutes. There are a handful of gas stations on the way to their neighborhood...my stomach was hurting, I had a hunch this was more serious than I wanted it to be. The pressure - a pressure I know all too well, in fact - was building. Heading out of "town" my belief that I could make it was quickly slipping away when all of a sudden a loose, streamy stream filled my pants...it poured and poured. In my horrified relief, I could only pray this poop soup wouldnt spill out onto everything, exposing my brand new and utterly priceless secret. An immediate concern was "how bad is this gonna smell?" Which kid will be the first to notice? Can I play it off and indirectly blame one of them? And what the hell am I gonna do with all this shit? How can I clean this up?...
The best possible case scenario came to be - nobody noticed, it didnt really stink enough to make a report on a school bus. Dropped the kiddos off safely and started to take stock of my situation...what the hell can I do about this? What bathrooms are in the way to the elementary school? Id have 10 minutes to clean up if traffic was good...and then...no...not...oh shit...another serving of spicy, poo juice...I wondered how much of a mess this was going to make but I went with it...two days in the making, I needed this. Got it all out.
I had to sit up as tall as I could so as not to press it right out of my pants and all over the bus.
I called my boss - from my cell, Im staying off the radios for this - and gave him as little as I could (I still may have to fess up, time will tell). I said Ive just gotten sick on the bus and wont be able to make my next route, and Ill have to get this mess cleaned up when I get back to the bus barn. All good, he says, they can cover it.
But I still have a huge load of diarrhea in my shorts. Another stroke of luck, I live 2 minutes away from our parking lot. I drove to my house, parked on the street, ran in to clean myself up and change clothes. I grabbed some soapy water and a few rags and towels to clean up the surprisingly little that had gotten on the seat. For having just shit my own pants I was operating smoothly and efficiently getting it cleaned up. I made it back, used some industrial strength cleaning supplies from the shop and got my bus parked, and left work 45 minutes or so earlier than usual - not bad!
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