Submitted by Goliath (Raytown, MO) on 12.20.15
So it was just a few days before Christmas and (obviously) I am stuffing my face with holiday ware and family recipes. One particular recipe I adore is my grams sweet Southern Chili. Its so good, not spicy at all, with banana peppers, pork, lamb, and beef. A trio of beautiful carnivorous indulgences. Well this particular night I decided it would be highly intelligent of me to eat a massive bowl on top of finishing my fiancés half eaten meal. And some brownies. And I guess if you throw a cup of rice pudding in there and go to sleep, it creates a science experiment in your rectum.
I wake up at 8:45 A.M. Shit. Need to be at work at 9!!!
I kiss my girl, don't bother changing clothes (sleep in the clothes I wear all day, Yeah I AM ONE THOSE GUYS) brush my teeth and high-tail it to work. Lady Luck must have decided to shine favor on me out of pity for what was to come, because I clocked in on time and sat down at my cubicle. Suddenly, the dark opera music began playing. And deep down in my gut I felt the mighty Cthulu readying itself to burst forth into reality. I run to the restroom and NO!
Someone was in there. And being the big guy I am (6foot6 and 350 pounds) When you gotta spray sundae, you spray that fucking sundae. I calmly walk into the womens restroom and proceed into the middle toilet, making note of the female feet on each side of me and how nice womens restrooms are compared to mens. My animalistic needs overcame my embarrassment and manners.
"Sorry Ladies, I have an emergency!"
Before I could sit my ass all the way down, to the most unholy of horrors my chocolate ass milk shot out and peppered the girl to my lefts feet. Twin screams ensued as I sat down, considering my job to be over with.
Weirdest thing ever. Walked out, nobody in the building. Routine fire drill with the alarms. I got out scott free. So fucking lucky and happy I almost shat myself again.
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