Submitted by Saint Patrick (Dublin, Some State) on 09.19.14
It was the day after Saint Patrick's day, & I was in art college. 90% of the other students had taken the day off, but I'd foolishly chosen to attend, hungover in a way that's only ever achieved when you're in your teens.
The day was treated like a bank holiday, perhaps due to the expected poor attendance, and the whole college was locked up- No public doors were left open, as they normally were. I'd gotten access by buzzing the reception desk, or a lecturer or something.
In I went. Very soon upon arrival, my head woozy & guts churning with the previous evening's lashings of cheap booze and deep fried food to soak it up, I made a break for the toilet.
Locked. Panicking, I nudged the ladies toilet doors.... not a budge. Handicapped toilet; bolted tight. I trudged down the stairwell to the front door, & each downward step bullied my sphincter into relinquishing its filthy payload. Once the front door was reached the realisation dawned on me- This too was locked, & had been earlier.
After more flapping about trying to source a bowl to expel my dark passenger into, I gave up all hope and followed the only path not followed; the stairwell leading down to the basement.
Down I went, not knowing who could or would be down here.... until I could carry on no more. I pulled down my jeans, & whipped off my 'Superman' boxer shorts, squatted on a step halfway down the stairwell and spurted fizzy lumpy gravy all over the neat new carpet, spattering up against the powder-coated grey office balustrades and fittings. Knowing that a janitor, lecturer or acquaintance could come bounding down the stairs at any time, I hurriedly wiped my arse with Superman's crest, & deposited the whole disgraceful mess, boxers and all, on the stairs.
I got out of there unseen, & proudly/ashamedly decided to just leave there and then. It still haunts me to think that somebody at some point came across a pair of boxer shorts encrusted in hardened auburn diarrhea on a stairwell in a very modern world-standard college stairwell.
Technically I suppose, I didn't actually shit myself, & this accept it if my story doesn't qualify for publication. However I believe that having a horrible shit in a public place is a similar experience.
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